At no other time do I feel more lonely than when I am in a presence of a desired one. The awareness of a gap next to me. A gap that asks, demands to be filled by dreams, projections, desires, illusions. An intensity of feeling suddenly illuminated, that creates agitation of mind, drainage of energy. The intensity that to be bearable requires making a step forward or retrieve completely. Suspension is destructive.
As I am able to recognise the intensity as something that I carry, something that links me to my past I am able to look at it. I am able to hold it. All I need is to see and welcome it. As I keep looking, holding it in respect, I feel gratitude for the lessons loneliness taught me. It created enough space for me to find my spiritual home, to get to know myself and to learn my intuition. It has put me on my path.
I say ‘thank you for being here for me all this time. I see you now. I give you your rightful place. Let it be on my left side so that my right side is an invitation for the desired one to come closer.’ As I say it my loneliness morphs into a friend, a lifelong companion. Intensity becomes bearable. Now I can see loneliness as aloneness – a gift of enjoying the fullness of my own company. In that I am able and willing to take it one step at a time. There is no urgency. There is desire and excitement of a promise, a potential to be realised.
(Image by Valentin Gubarev)
I am fascinated by the Systemic Family Constellations work and everything shamanic. I study it, practice it, research it. Here, I am sharing what I learn and hope it can be of use to somebody interested in healing their families, communities and lives.
In 2019 I published some of my poetry inspired by systemic work in this journal. It is available as PDF, Kindle or printed at the link above.